My Dream of Becoming a Writer
I’m late to the party, but I brought booze
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I am a loan processor for a bank. I want to be a writer.
I want to be a self-employed writer, despite currently processing files for self-employed borrowers and seeing how much of a pain it is. Despite knowing the hard work involved, the time it takes to become successful, and the fear of not knowing if you ever will be. Truth is, all of those things are part of the process. And I’m ready to jump.
Working for others has risks too. It may present itself in a pretty package with a paycheck, 401k, and nice little cubicle to sit in, but it is chock full of risks. You are always at the mercy of others, rather than yourself. If you know how to climb the ladder, you can work your way to the top, but there are always obstacles involved and you are competing against others who want to climb that ladder too. Many of them will not hesitate to push you off.
Jobs are really quite arbitrary, really, more so than I ever realized. Now that I have decades of working numerous jobs under my belt, I see how convoluted, unorganized, and basically fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants they can be. Jobs are very much based on many individual personalities and how well they mesh. They are procedure-based, but are constantly forced to be more fluid, despite the millions of meetings by management that occur to try to make everything orderly and efficient.
Management often does not understand the inner workings of the levels below them. They see the greater picture, which is why they are paid the big bucks, but the worker bees are the ones who see the day-to-day operations and keep the gears moving. Many of the “fixes” put in place by management only serve to further complicate the processes. You can see the pride on their face beaming as they explain the changes, and they are sure that things will be better due to their innovative solutions.
Sometimes things are better, sometimes they are not. This all depends on the job, the people, the procedures, etc. Humanity and all of its social constructs are complicated by nature, and this exists in any and all levels of employment — self-employed or not. It is something we have to accept. The challenge that I find is that I struggle with feeling helpless, feeling like I do not have a say in how things are or will be, and I have no desire to move up the ladder to management. It is simply not my cup of tea.
I have looked into self-employment options, and I have to be careful not to overwork or overstress myself, as I am a single mom of three children. I do not have an innate talent in art, or music, or design, or even blogging. I have brainstormed in the past and hit a giant wall cloud. The more I thought about it, the stormier my brain became. Until one day I realized — I write. I like to write, I write regularly, I write often. Why on earth can this not become a career?
It once was — in my dreams. I dreamt of working for a magazine, and I was once an (unpaid) intern for a local magazine that was unable to hire me full-time due to budget constraints. I had another magazine show interest, a gardening one, but they were moving across the country soon. I live in the Midwest, and it is not exactly the place to be for magazines. I once had an interview with a trade magazine, but it was for an asphalt publication. I could not take it seriously, and my interviewer knew it. Off to sales I went.
I ended up working in sales for many years, and it all flew by at an insanely rapid pace and now exists in my head as a giant blur of numbers and panic attacks. Then came the child-rearing and raising years. Those are a blur of diapers and feedings. Now I am back in the career world, doing a job to pay the bills and provide health insurance for my children (can we PLEASE overhaul or insurance system already?), and I am as unfulfilled ever. And so it goes, the life of a female who dives back into the career world after having babies and has to start all over.
Sure, I have regret — why didn’t I write more and focus on my freelance writing career over the years? Then I see those blurs flashing in my mind, the sales and kid blurs, and remember, “Oh yeah, I’ve been BUSY and TIRED.” I am still busy and tired, albeit in different ways now. Yet now the tides have turned, and they have turned in my favor. Now I shall follow my dreams. Now I shall look forward to a new blur, one full of books and coffee and words and more words. And it will be divine.
“If you want to be a writer, write. Write and write and write. If you stop, start again. Save everything that you write. If you feel blocked, write through it until you feel your creative juices flowing again. Write. Writing is what makes a writer, nothing more and nothing less.” -Anne Rice
